Saturday, November 30, 2013

How to realistically deal with a home invasion (picture steps)

I've had encounters with bandits who felt that they deserved my stuff more than I did. When you're the victim of a break-in, the sudden feeling of vulnerability leaves you helplessly frozen. All of my smack talk about being a fearless warrior went out the window, and I started considering actually leaping out of the window.

via Johnny Grim
I needed a plan! Someone tried to enter my apartment in the middle of the night. I wasn't sleeping; I was playing video games and chatting on the phone with my sister. He was persistent in knocking, but I refused to answer. Luckily, this man ended up leaving without confrontation.

Today, I checked my inbox and found out that my apartment community sent out a mass email warning about the nighttime prowler.

Actual message, edited for privacy.
That made me ponder, what else could have happened in that situation? I recreated the scenario and came up with a more effective tactical plan, in the case the nighttime prowler decides to pay me another visit.

Hark, barricade the main entry!

Once you see an unfamiliar face at the door, do not answer and do not open it under any circumstance. I don't care if it's a bloody lass or a grandma with a plateful of cookies. If you aren't expecting anyone, it's a trap!

Sneak away, grab any large objects, and jam them against the door to form a little barricade. This will buy you time to wobble towards a safe area.

Arm yourself with nearby makeshift weapons!

Depending on the room you're in, you might have a number of handy weapons available. You can be a sports brawler!

If you keep free weights lying around for motivation, pick one up and lob it at their head!

Or maybe you're more of a cleanly pyromaniac.

A flammable spray and a lighter create a fabulous blowtorch. Trust me, I've used this to scare off many intruders (the 8-legged web-making kind). I recommend keeping this John Frieda Hairspray around, it's a great product to both style your hair and melt criminals' faces off.

Fancy yourself a master chef? Grab the nearest recipe mag!

You can either roll it up and shank the dirty crook in his pressure points, or read one of the boring vegetarian recipes out loud until he falls asleep.

Use the animal kingdom to your advantage!

Loki is a majestic war beast trained to seek out intruders. Watch how she scans the area for potential threats, before flopping on her back for a cute belly rub. It may seem like an innocent ploy for affection, but it's a claw-filled trap!

You can also use plastic animals to fend off prowlers, like this realistic replica of the shark from Jaws.

All you have to do is mimic shark noises and snap the claw a few times before they start running away in pure fear.

Did somebody call for housekeeping?

If there's an iron nearby, snatch it! Think about potential witty one-liners while you're waiting for it to heat up.

I find that criminals straighten out the best when hit in the face with a steaming hot iron. Since they haven't come up with a "Home Intruder" option yet, just use the "Cotton" setting. 

If you have a place to hide, find sustenance and fuel yourself.

When barricaded in a safe room, make sure that you have nonperishable snacks stored in there. Candy is always a great option, because if there's a chance you're not making it out alive you might as well eat whatever the hell you want.

If you spot an opportunity, create a distraction and run for it!

Look around for any nearby time-buying traps.

Make them trip over their own feet with an impromptu game of Jacks!

Nothing like a blinding reflective flash into the eyes to stop them in their tracks! A maglight is also super bright and effective, especially when swung right across their mean mug. If your skin is as pale as mine, you can also just blind them by pulling up your shirt.

Perhaps it's time for the boys in blue.

Calling the cops is always recommended, because they pretend to care that someone tried to steal your cheap Target furniture. 

When you spot the opportunity, call for help! You can either use a phone (modeled by the banana above) or start yelling out of the window. It usually takes our friendly neighbourhood protectors a while to show up, so be prepared to share a nice cup of tea with your home intruder for about 20 minutes or so.  

What if there's nowhere to run or no one to call?

More importantly, what if you don't want these annoying nighttime prowlers to keep interrupting your gaming sessions? My sister and I came up with an extremely effective plan that will thwart even the most persistent of burglars.

First, it requires a spot of cash. Pull out your purses, boys!

How to party while fiscally responsible: make it rain pennies!

Luckily, I am rolling in the dough. So gather a few crafting supplies and sketch a quick note for any future baddies. Tape some bills onto your artwork and leave it attached to your door.

Make sure you place the note right underneath the peephole so that its within their line of vision.

But what should the note say?

I would personally tailor it to suit your particular circumstances. Since the most expensive thing I have in my apartment is the $5 pre-washed salad mix from Meijer, I taped a tenner to the door.

My note says: "Dear Nighttime Prowler; Here is some pre-emptive loot for when you show up at my door again. Just take it and stop knocking, I'm playing 'Dark Souls' and you are irritating my trained magestic warbeast, Loki the CatLord. You have been warned. Take this and bugger off. If you can accept the judging gaze of Hamilton."

Basically you have three options; fight like a warrior, hide it out and call for help, or leave a convenient note with a wad of cash so that they can bugger off.

Regardless of what you choose, be prepared.


  1. Hahaha I love this!

  2. LOL you're crazy (but I enjoy it)! Some helpful tips with the funny stuff ;)